Why is it that when an ornament breaks in our house, it is always one of Kael’s ornaments? Either one of his that he received while he was with us or one that we have purchased to remember him during the six Christmases without him. Each time, I see one of his broken ornaments my heart hurts. I want to hold onto it, I want to fix it right away, and I want cry as I pick up the pieces. Should I at least try to fix it knowing the ornament will never look the same, or if I fix it, it will only be more fragile and break within a few years? I know they are just things but they also represent another year that Kael celebrates Christmas in heaven and we celebrate it here. So I am left with a pile of ornament pieces that reminds me of the journey God has put us on the last 6 years.
These broken ornament pieces represent me. When Kael passed away, my life, my world shattered and I broke into pieces. Who I was and what I have known about life would never be the same. The family I thought I would have, gone. But God, only God knew the plan and could look at these pieces on the ground and not see broken bits but He knew how to pick up these pieces and put them together in a better way. Not a perfect picture but in a random, different way that would make you want to look deeper. God took the brokenness of me and my life and is building a life that is focused on serving Jesus right where I am.
As I have reflected over the last few weeks preparing for Kael’s Heaven Day, January 7th, God is continuing to show me more about how He is piecing our life together. The picture looks a bit random when you first look at it but if you look deeper, you will see there are so many connections, stories and plans that God has orchestrated to bring us here, 6 years later, still healing, still hurting, still missing Kael but more willing to serve God and do what is hard because of God’s faithfulness and goodness through the difficult times.
God’s goodness is so evident! I have been blessed with a Godly husband who leads our family with God-centered faith and strength. I have been blessed with wonderful kids who know mommy cries and loves Jesus first, daddy second and will always love them no matter what. I have been blessed to love Kael for a lifetime and hold Kael for a short time. I have been blessed with amazing family and friends who have loved and supported us from the very beginning and who hurt on Kael’s Heaven Day too. I have been blessed to meet amazing moms and dads along the way who suffer the loss of a child and hurt like I do, but are willing to share in the journey. I have been blessed to share the story God is writing in my life with others who are inspired to follow God and learn more about Him. And there are countless blessings on top of these that remind me of God’s goodness even in the difficult times.
So, I will keep these broken ornaments, the ones I can glue together and but will never be perfect and the ones I can’t glue together because they remind me of what God is piecing together. And maybe someday, God will show me a way to pick up these pieces and use them for something else in His grander plan.